


better this way

by djaehwans



Category: VIXX
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-21
Updated: 2016-12-21
Packaged: 2018-09-10 20:00:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8936989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djaehwans/pseuds/djaehwans
Summary: "We can't," Hakyeon exhales, though he doesn't move away when Jaehwan leans down and presses their foreheads together, "You know why." "I know," Jaehwan bites his lip, uncertainty in his eyes as his gaze flicks downwards to Hakyeon's lips, long enough to set a fire coursing through Hakyeon's veins and want burning in the pit of his stomach.





	

"What are you thinking?" 

Jaehwan's voice is gentle and barely a whisper, and he almost can't be heard over the loud pounding of the music being blasted from the speakers almost halfway across the room. But his words pierce the air of silence between him and Hakyeon. This is hardly the right place to deal with this, Hakyeon thinks as he grimances at the stench of alcohol and beer. 

"You know," Hakyeon says, bringing his eyes back up to Jaehwan's, "You know what I'm thinking." 

They're in a bar, supposedly to celebrate Wonsik's 21st birthday, but two hours into the party and the only people left sober are Jaehwan and Hakyeon.

"I can guess," Jaehwan mutters, brows knitting together as he sighs, "That we are probably thinking the same thing." 

They're tucked in a dimly-lit corner of the bar, where the music is probably the quietest it can get and where people don't come forcing you to chug down ten bottles of beer. They're sat side by side on one of those two-people leather-covered seats, and Hakyeon's pressed so close to Jaehwan that he can smell his lingering scent of cologne. 

Hakyeon doesn't reply, because he knows Jaehwan is right. He swallows thickly, only then realising how their faces are only centimetres apart. He sees it in Jaehwan's eyes, and he knows that the feeling is mutual. 

"We can't," Hakyeon exhales, though he doesn't move away when Jaehwan leans down and presses their foreheads together, "You know why." 

"I know," Jaehwan bites his lip, uncertainty in his eyes as his gaze flicks downwards to Hakyeon's lips, long enough to set a fire coursing through Hakyeon's veins and want burning in the pit of his stomach. 

Hakyeon's hands instinctively come up to Jaehwan's neck, pulling him down further so that their noses brush lightly. 

He knows this is wrong, Jaehwan knows this is wrong. Because the last time they relished in the moment of their lips against each other's was when they agreed to split, when they knew that staying as friends was much better than being anything more. They were different, so vastly different there were almost no similarities they shared at all ; Hakyeon was the sun and Jaehwan was the moon, never were they meant to meet, much less fall in love. 

"But I want it, we both want it," Jaehwan continues, his dry lips and searching Hakyeon's eyes for consent, "We could just forget this ever happened." 

But Hakyeon knows they can't. Then what would they be? Friends? Lovers? Because lovers wouldn't work between them ; they struggled through five full months with that title, only to end it with misunderstandings and pain. Friends wouldn't work either, Hakyeon doesn't remember wanting to kiss one of his friends this badly, doesn't remember wanting to call one of his friends his own like he does with Jaehwan. 

"You're right," Jaehwan breathes, even though Hakyeon never said a word, "I'm sorry, we can't." He straightens up and starts walking towards the bar tender, fingers raking through his styled, blonde hair. He doesn't turn back. 

Hakyeon slumps into the leather seat, letting out a groan as he rubs at his face in frustration. Why was this so difficult? It's been a month, 31 whole days since they broke up and promised to never get involved with each other romantically again. But Hakyeon undeniably feels the tension between them when they're alone ; like something was clawing at him, telling him that this was not right, that keeping things platonic between them was not the right decision. 

Across the bar, he spots Jaehwan smiling as he chats with Taekwoon, one of Wonsik's friends, empty shot glass in hand as he rests his hip against the edge of the bar. He feels it burning in his chest, as if he was suffocating and the only rational thought in his mind was "Jaehwan, Jaehwan, Jaehwan". 

It wasn't jealousy, it was just his desire to right the wrong that had been pulling at his heart and messing with his head. Hakyeon downs one shot of alcohol, before abruptly standing up.

He remembers pressing Jaehwan against the bar. He remembers his shirt. He remembers the taste of Jaehwan's lips, strong and addictive. He remembers brief grumbles from Taekwoon telling them to get a room. 

But he doesn't remember what happened after they broke apart, panting and lips glossed red and gaze intense, a mix of confusion and certainty. 

 

He wakes up in his own bed.

He's in different clothes from yesterday at the bar, now wearing a loose white shirt and black shorts. He doesn't remember drinking more than one bottle of alcohol, yet his mind feels hazy and his thoughts aren't sorted out properly. 

Then he remembers kissing Jaehwan as the last event of the night, before cursing out loud and covering his face with his hands. 

 

A mistake. That's what he's going to say.

Though he wasn't even half-drunk when it happened, he's going to blame it on the alcohol for messing with his brain. But he knows that even without any drinks, he would have made the exact same decision. 

 

 

Jaehwan walks through the double doors of the office with a radiant smile and a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand, bowing his head as he greets everyone good morning. 

"Morning," Jaehwan says, and Hakyeon sees the slight falter in his smile as he acknowledges him. 

"Hey," Hakyeon says, clearing his throat awkwardly, "Listen, about yesterday." 

Jaehwan frowns suddenly, and then clicks his tongue in annoyance, "What about yesterday?" He's pissed, Hakyeon notes, as Jaehwan turns to look him in the eye. "It was a mistake? You were drunk? You didn't actually mean to kiss me?" 

Jaehwan's words stab him like bullets, and Hakyeon's momentarily shocked by Jaehwan's outburst. Jaehwan scoffs, rolling his eyes, "I knew it. This is why we didn't work out, Hakyeon. Because you don't say what you really feel, you say something but deep down you know you feel something else. And I know what you really feel, that's why it pisses me off." 

Hakyeon frowns, looking at Jaehwan with disgust, "What, so you're saying I'm the only reason we broke up?" 

"There you go putting words into my mouth again, I never said that," Jaehwan starts to raise his voice but then squeezes his eyes closed and speaks in a softer tone, "Look, Hakyeon, I really did want to kiss you yesterday. Hell, I still want to kiss you now. But I also want to just remain friends, because being in a relationship isn't exactly something we can make work. And you know that too." 

Hakyeon does, he knows that he doesn't want to put Jaehwan through the fights, the disagreements and the uncertainty again. But, at the same time, he remembers the security of being in Jaehwan's arms and the reassurance he felt whenever Jaehwan was just, there. And he knows Jaehwan remembers it too, even if they both had to dig past the pile of repressable memories to catch a hold of what they felt for each other back when they started it all. 

"I know that," Hakyeon sighs."But I also know that I can't treat you as just a normal friend. I can't deny that I still feel something for you, despite the pain and anger and heartbreak, I still," Hakyeon closes his eyes and exhales the words as if all his energy was needed to utter those three words, "I love you." 

"I-I know, Hakyeon," Jaehwan says, pressing his lips together into a thin line as if they would kiss Hakyeon on their own. He knows, he knows that Hakyeon's going to get angry, because he's never mentioned how much he loved Hakyeon in their five months together, and even now when everything's messy and crumbling, he still can't bring himself to say it. 

But Hakyeon doesn't get angry, instead he smiles, one that doesn't reach his eyes and contains no sincerity or genuine happiness whatsoever. And Jaehwan's heart breaks, the last piece of his already wounded heart shattering and falling to the soles of his feet. It's his fault Hakyeon suffered so much, 5 months of not knowing whether the one you love feels the same for you. 

"Let's not cause a scene," Hakyeon averts his eyes from Jaehwan, keeping his gaze on somewhere behind him, "I'll go back to my cubicle, I have stuff to do anyways." 

Jaehwan wants to stop him, wants to pull him in for another kiss and tell him he loves him so much it's the only thing he can feel in his otherwise numb heart. But he doesn't. He sees a tear fall from Hakyeon's eye, just before he turns around and disappears behind the wall seperating their cubicles. 

All Jaehwan thinks about is the last time he cried in the middle of the night, probably a good 3 months ago, when he was insecure and unconfident of who he was. He doesn't remember why he was sad, all he knows is that Hakyeon was the only thing that convinced him to love himself once again. 

 

 

A couple of months pass and they more or less forget about what happened. They go back to being friends, just like they were before all the relationship complications. They joke around, go out for dinner after working hours with their four other colleagues (unless Sanghyuk's feeling needy and decides to drag Hongbin away, or when Wonsik needs Taekwoon to "help with some documents" in his private office) ; Jaehwan cracks stupid jokes and makes Hakyeon laugh till his insides hurt ; Hakyeon grabs Jaehwan coffee when he's been coped up in his cubicle for too long. 

And they like it this way. 

Although there are times Jaehwan feels something more when they lock eyes, or when they do something casual like shake hands or bump fists. Although there are times Hakyeon almost lets those words slip out his mouth when Jaehwan does something stupid like trip over his own shoelaces. 

They like it this way, it's better this way.

 

 

"You should just tell him."

The words leave Wonsik's mouth effortlessly, and it makes Jaehwan slightly uncomfortable, "Tell who, what?"

"Hakyeon," Wonsik rolls his eyes as if it's the most obvious thing in the world, "Tell Hakyeon that you want to start things over."

Jaehwan takes a long gulp of his coffee, settling the mug down on the ceramic table. They're in the break room of their office and it's 8 in the morning ; way too early to have this conversation. 

"Who says I want to start things over? I'm perfectly fine just being friends with him," Jaehwan says nonchalantly, but the uneasiness is starting to bubble in his stomach.

Wonsik sighs, "Look, I know things didn't end well for you two but...do you even see the way he looks at you? Do you even notice how wide your own smile is when you're with him?" 

Jaehwan coughs, frowning slightly, "Why are we talking about my love life right now?"

"All I'm saying is, if even after all the pain and the fights, you both still feel something...isn't it worth it to try again?" 

 

 

Isn't it worth it to try again? 

Jaehwan groans, dropping his head onto the table infront of him, and wincing at the dull ache in his forehead from doing so. His head is so full, it might just explode from all the jumbled up thoughts darting around his brain. 

Is it? 

Jaehwan doesn't know, it's been a good 10 hours since Wonsik had brought it up but Jaehwan has never stopped thinking about it since. 

Do I love Hakyeon? 

Yes, yes, of course he does. He doesn't remember ever feeling so much for someone before he met Hakyeon, doesn't remember feeling anything after he broke up with Hakyeon. 

Does Hakyeon love me? 

Now this, this he doesn't know. He definitely did love Jaehwan back when they were dating, but now he wasn't so sure -

"Hey, sleepyhead, we're done for today," there's a hand on the back of his neck and Jaehwan inwardly curses, because he doesn't have to look to know that it's Hakyeon.

Jaehwan just groans, face still flat on his table and Hakyeon chuckles, fingers now playing with his hair, "Are you hungry? There's this really great seafood restaurant not far from here if you'd like -"

Jaehwan bolts upright and turns to look Hakyeon in the eye, "Do you love me?"

The question kind of startles Hakyeon, Jaehwan notes, as his fingers still in Jaehwan's hair and his eyes widen as if caught by surprise.

"What?" Hakyeon replies dumbly, blinking a few times, "What do you mean?"

Jaehwan purses his lips, he's never really been good with all this relationship issues, which probably explains why he was the worst boyfriend to Hakyeon back when they were together. He regrets not treating Hakyeon better, if the little pinch in his heart is something to go by, but what he regrets most is not saying what Hakyeon really meant to him, or means to him. 

"Hakyeon, I know we don't really have a great history and I haven't exactly treated you very well in the past. Maybe you've forgotten everything that happened between us already, but I sure haven't. You mean the world to me, Hakyeon, you've been by my side when I was low and you've really changed my life, for the better, of course." 

"And, I honestly don't know where I'm going with this or what kind of response I'm expecting from you. But, I just wanted to tell you that I...I miss you, I know it sounds crazy because we see each other every day here but I miss you. I miss what we used to have, what we used to be. And maybe you don't feel the same way, that's okay. I understand that you suffered and went through a lot."

"I just, I don't know..." Jaehwan trails off, it's at the tip of his tongue, he knows those three words would change Hakyeon's mind completely but he just can't bring himself to say it, "I...Ah, fuck, wait - just give me a moment." 

Jaehwan slams his head against the table ; once, twice, thrice and he keeps going. And Hakyeon just watches, slightly amused but also genuinely intruiged. Jaehwan's always had his own way of lightening up situations like these, it was cute, it was so....Jaehwan. 

Jaehwan finally stops his comical act, sitting upright with his eyes squeezed shut and both hands clasped over his already bruising forehead, "Ow, fuck, that really hurts."

"What are you even -"

"I love you," Jaehwan wheezes, screwing his eyes shut even tighter and he feels his face already heating up, "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I really really really love you." 

Silence. And nothing else. Jaehwan's too embarrassed to even open his eyes and gauge Hakyeon's reaction. 

"God, this is embarrassing, I'm sorry. You can just forget I ever said that - Actually, don't. Remember it, because I meant it. But yea, let's forget we had this conversation at all, you were talking about a seafood restaurant?" Jaehwan rambles, hand flying to cover his red face as he scrambles to pack his things while trying not to look at Hakyeon. 

"I'm sorry, what were you saying earlier? I didn't quite catch it," Hakyeon teases, laughing as Jaehwan huffs in response. 

"You couldn't possibly have missed it, I said it at least five times," Jaehwan mumbles, still haphazardly stuffing documents into his bag. 

Hakyeon chuckles, leaning forward to grab Jaehwan's wrist, spinning him around so that they're face to face. He fights the urge to kiss Jaehwan right there and then, with the way he's blushing to the roots of his hair and the painful, blue-black bruise in the centre of his forehead, "Well then, say it the sixth time."

"I'm going to need to bang my head against the table at least 10 more times before that can happen, and I think my forehead's suffered enough," Jaehwan replies, scrunching up his nose as he speaks, "Also, I think I've blushed enough to keep my face permanently red for the rest of the night, so no." 

Hakyeon laughs, he stands on his tip toes and presses his lips lightly against the bruise on Jaehwan's forehead, giving it a quick peck before saying, "Yes." 

"Yes?" Jaehwan quirks his eyebrow up in question, "Yes, my forehead's suffered enough?"

"No, you idiot," Hakyeon breathes, voice low as he steps closer to Jaehwan, "Yes, I do love you."

Jaehwan blinks, "Oh."

Then he's smiling, so bright and genuine that he has to bite his lip to prevent his entire top row of teeth from showing, "Oh." 

Hakyeon laughs, damn, Jaehwan has always had the prettiest smile. It makes him feel queasy just staring at his eyes lighting up and forehead crinkling and lips stretching. 

"So, can we - do you want to try again?" Jaehwan's voice is soft, almost as if he's scared to even say it. His smile falters a little when the words leave his mouth, clearly uncertain, "I mean I understand if you don't but don't you think it's worth it to try again? If we still love each other, even after all that, isn't it worth it?"

Hakyeon tosses the question around in his head ; Of course, he wants to try again, but he's worried, for Jaehwan. He doesn't want to hurt him, again. Jaehwan deserves better. 

He thinks about not complicating things, by just saying he doesn't think it's worth it. But when he opens his mouth, his mind blanks - but his heart beats. 

"It is, Jaehwan, I really really want to try this again. But I don't want to hurt you, I really really really don't. I care about you, more than anything."

It surprises Jaehwan, but not nearly as much as it surprises Hakyeon himself. Jaehwan smiles, "We're different, from how we were back when we dated. And if anything, I think we're ready to give this a second chance, give us a second chance." 

"Right, okay. From now on, we'll understand each other and work things out properly, okay? We say when we're upset or angry or worried about anything."

Jaehwan nods, hands sneaking around Hakyeon's waist, "Are you going to officially ask me to be your boyfriend, or are we going to wait for another 4 months?" 

"Actually," Hakyeon clasps his hands around Jaehwan's neck, "I was thinking, you should repeat the thing you said five times earlier and then ask me to be your boyfriend." 

He's blushing, again, "You just love to tease me, don't you?" 

"Yea," Hakyeon admits, smiling as he pulls Jaehwan down, their noses touching, "I'm not kissing you until you say it." 

Jaehwan exhales, squeezing his eyes shut yet again, "Wait, give me some time, I'm new to this whole thing." 

Hakyeon laughs as he watches the tips of Jaehwan's ears turn red, along with his cheeks. He squeezes his arms tighter around Hakyeon's waist and purses his lips, and Hakyeon finds it endearing that he's so embarrassed. 

"I...I can't do it, - okay, wait, hang on - I love...ugh, fucking hell - Cha Hakyeon, I love you, fuck, will you be my boyfriend?" 

Only then does Hakyeon realise how long he's been waiting to hear those words from Jaehwan. Only then does he realise that it's been Jaehwan from the start, only Jaehwan. And no one else would have made his heart feel any fuller, or make his smile any bigger than Jaehwan did. 

"Hello, your soon-to-be boyfriend is feeling pretty worried you're going to change your mind."

"Well, he shouldn't be, because there's no way I'd resist calling the love of my life, my boyfriend." 

Jaehwan flushes, eyes crinkling, "Do you eat sugar every day? Why is everything that comes out of your mouth so sweet?" 

Hakyeon his lips, "My lips taste sweet too, you know."

"Really? The last time we kissed I remember it tasted a lot like bitter alcohol," Jaehwan counters, although his eyes flick downwards to look at Hakyeon's lips. 

"Right, about that, it wasn't the alcohol. I really just wanted to kiss you," Hakyeon confesses.

"I know that, now shut up and kiss me already."

Hakyeon does. And it's desperate and needy and he feels the words rolling off Jaehwan's tongue, onto his own ; I miss you, I love you, I really really really need you. 

It feels like forever since they last kissed and yet it makes Hakyeon's stomach lurch, with how comfortable and natural it feels when their tongues collide or when Jaehwan's finger curls underneath his button-up shirt to brush against his bare skin. 

Jaehwan kisses with such intensity that Hakyeon has to rest his weight on the table behind him to steady himself, letting Jaehwan loom over him and swoop his tongue inbetween his parted lips. 

"Yes," Hakyeon mumbles against Jaehwan's lips when they pull apart, "Yes, I'll be your boyfriend."


End file.
